Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
