Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
