Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Enjoy the penises
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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