So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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