One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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