Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I didn't notice because vodka
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
