my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
