Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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