did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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