I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
