the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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