Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
