This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
