Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
