at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
