Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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