When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
