i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
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For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
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Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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