hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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