ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
