So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
