You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
