Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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