my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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