here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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