I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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