We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
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I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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