It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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