Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
