captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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