New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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