According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
