kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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