dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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