Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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