My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
