So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
