Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
