i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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