How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
