I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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