i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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