I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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