I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
