I want to have your abortion
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm having to shit out rocks
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