Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
