So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You are the jesus of drinking
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
