Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think my tv is drunk
Don't make out with my wife yet
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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