Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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