Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
