I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
