I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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