my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
