There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
