Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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