dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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