The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
