Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
