I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
