my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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